• Be realistic: If you’re looking for the perfect date or mate or state, you’re in trouble for two reasons: First, perfection is unlikely, if not impossible. Second, if a perfect person were to exist, he or she would most likely be looking for a perfect person, too.
  
  So ask yourself about your expectations: Are you being reasonable? Are you asking too much of yourself, too much of your date, or too much of the situation? Best friends are really helpful in the reality check department, so when in doubt, it’s okay to say, “Am I being realistic here, or have I overdosed on romance pills?”
  
  
• Be specific: Often, when people talk about the opposite sex, they either go all gooey and soft focus or become harsh and judgmental. Neither stance is particularly helpful. Look carefully at the details. Being specific is one of the best ways not only to problem-solve but to be realistic as well.
  
  
• Take responsibility: All of us make mistakes — sometimes because we’re thoughtless, sometimes because we’re clueless, often out of ignorance. But when it’s clear you blew it, even though every instinct is saying play dumb, accept responsibility.
  
  
• Be active: Don’t wait for someone to call you. Either make the call, take a walk, scrub the floor, scrape gum off your shoes, or jog. Don’t wait for someone else to make your day or make you happy or get the ball rolling. This is your life, not a dress rehearsal.
  
  
• Don’t settle: A life is a series of compromises — going left when you wanted to go right because the taxi cut you off, taking the chicken on the buffet table because the prime rib was all gone, going to the prom with your best friend because you thought your dream date would turn you down. There’s nothing bad or wrong about being flexible. The trick is knowing when to compromise and when to go for it.
  
  To do that, you have to know what’s really important to you, and once you know that, don’t settle. If you don’t have what you want, make sure you do know what you want — being both realistic and specific — and then go for it. You can always reevaluate. What most people regret is not the mistakes they made but the chances they didn’t take.
  
  
• Reevaluate often: Something that made you happy or behavior that pleased you or someone who rang your chimes once may or may not be in for the long haul. The only way of knowing the short term from the long term is to be willing to take your own emotional pulse from time to time.
  
  
• Write stuff down: A log (not a Captain James T. Kirk kind of log, but a feelings log) can be really useful and helpful to pinpoint important times, beginnings of issues, and changes in the relationship. It’s a great way to keep us honest and focused, and as long as you don’t leave it around for someone to find and read, there is no downside here. A log also is a way of taking responsibility privately so we can practice before we take it publicly.
  
  
• Be creative: You’re not like anybody else on the planet, and neither is your date, so why do the two of you have to follow anybody else’s rules or precedents about what you want, how you act, where you go, or how you communicate? If it’s okay with the two of you — and it’s not illegal — then why not?
  
  
• Be aware: Pay attention to your date and to your own responses. You don’t have to constantly monitor as though your date were in dating ICU and liable to expire at any moment, but be willing every once in a while to step out a bit and see what’s going on. How are you? How does the date seem to be doing? Are you happy? Is it fun? Are you being attentive? Do you need more sleep? Are your senses being dulled?
  
  Being dense is a tough way to lead your life and dangerous when you’re dealing with someone else who wants you tuned in.
  
  
• Analyze fear: It is impossible to be completely without fear, and that’s okay: Fear warns us. After all, it would be stupid to cross the street without looking or do a header off the Empire State Building.
  
  We can look at our fear, our assumptions, our anger, our patterns and decide to try to do something different. The moment we do that, our fear no longer controls us. We’re in charge of our own life, and paradoxically, these moments are most likely to happen when we let another person into our intimate life.
  
  

Where can a teen go for help with a dating relationship that doesn't make them happy anymore, and maybe seems even a little abusive?
SafeNet 814-455-1774

National Teen Dating Abuse by Liz Claiborne
http://www.loveisrespect.org/

Love Is Not Abuse by Liz Claiborne
http://loveisnotabuse.com

Jennifer Ann's Group
http://www.jenniferann.org/

Kari’s story, a victim of teen dating violence
 kariscandleofhope.org

National Teen Dating Violence Abuse Helpline, talk to a teen for support, video, sign the Dating Bill of Rights, PSAs
 loveisrespect.org

National Domestic Violence Hotline and links for each state’s Coalition Against Domestic Violence

www.ndvh.org

Video for parents & teens, talk about dating violence & healthy relationships before dating begins, 4 min.

www.cdc.gov/CDCTV/BreakTheSilence

Good site for teens
 www.seeitandstopit.org

Tips for parents, Quiz for teens

www.kbep.org

Teen group, good site

teensagainstabuse.org

EXCELLENT interactive site for middle school

chooserespect.org

Dating violence video Break the Silence for parents

http://www.cdc.gov/features/cdctv/

Lindsay’s story, facts, and help links

www.lindsayannburke.com

National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center

www.safeyouth.org

Good teen site

www.teenrelationships.org

Good site for teens, parents click on “Get Info” , “Get Help”

www.breakthecycle.org

Family Violence Prevention Fund, click on teens

www.endabuse.org

National Center for Victims of Crime, click on “Dating Violence Resource Center”, good info for parents and teens; also provides info on teens obtaining restraining orders in all 50 states

www.ncvc.org

Gabe Kapler’s wife Lisa tells her story of teen dating violence links for other organizations

www.kaplerfoundation.org

List of State Coalitions Against Domestic Violence

www.ncadv.org

Follow the Speak Out Against Domestic Violence links

avonfoundation.org

When Love Hurts, a guide for love, respect, and abuse in relationships, great for parents/teens

www.dvirc.org.au/whenlove

Basic facts for adults & teens, Joe’s story

www.joetorre.net

Resources, Personal Safety, good articles

www.kidpower.org

Good teen & school site

www.mwaves.org

Rape, Abuse, & Incest Nat’l Network, good resource info

www.rainn.org

Overview of DV, links to YouTube Videos, top 10 songs for healthy/unhealthy relationships & stories from Teens.

www.td411.org

Futures without Violence

www.futureswithoutviolence.org and www.thatsnotcool.com

(ABC News Exclusive) Short form of Rihanna Interview on Good Morning America
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bC3zQ6o0swA

 

Following are two lists, one of healthy relationship characteristics and one of unhealthy traits. Many relationships have a combination of both. The point of this exercise is to figure out what things in your relationship are healthy or unhealthy, so you can gain appreciation for the best things and decide what you want to change.

IS IT HEALTHY?
If you and this person...

• Have fun together more often than not
• Each enjoy spending time separately, with your own friends, as well as with each other's friends
• Always feel safe with each other
• Trust each other
• Are faithful to each other if you have made this commitment
• Support each other's opinions, even when they are different
• Solve conflicts without putting each other down, cursing at each other or making threats
• Both accept responsibility for your actions
• Both apologize when you're wrong
• Have equal decision-making power about what you do in your relationship
• Each control your own money
• Are proud to be with each other
• Encourage each other's interests- like sports & extracurricular activities
• Have some privacy- your letters, diary, personal phone calls are respected as your own
• Have close friends & family who like the other person and are happy about your relationship
• Never feel like you're being pressured for sex
• Communicate about sex, if your relationship is sexual
• Allow each other 'space' when you need it
• Always treat each other with respect

IS IT UNHEALTHY?
If one of you...

• Gets extremely jealous or accuses the other of cheating
• Puts the other down by calling names, cursing or making the other feel bad about him or herself
• Yells at and treats the other like a child
• Doesn't take the other person, or things that are important to him/her, seriously
• Doesn't listen when the other talks
• Frequently criticizes the other's friends or family
• Pressures the other for sex, or makes sex hurt or feel humiliating
• Has ever threatened to hurt the other or commit suicide if they leave
• Cheats or threatens to cheat
• Tells the other how to dress
• Has ever grabbed, pushed, hit, or physically hurt the other
• Blames the other for your own behavior ("If you hadn't made me mad, I wouldn't have...")
• Embarrasses or humiliates the other
• Smashes, throws or destroys things
• Tries to keep the other from having a job or furthering his/her education
• Makes all the decisions about what the two of you do
• Tries to make the other feel crazy or plays mind games
• Goes back on promises
• Acts controlling or possessive- like you own your partner
• Uses alcohol or drugs as an excuse for hurtful behavior
• Ignores or withholds affection as a way of punishing the other
• Depends completely on the other to meet social or emotional needs 

This list is a way of identifying some of the healthy and unhealthy characteristics of your relationship- it does not cover every possible situation. You may want to share this list with someone in your support system, and talk about where you want to make changes in your relationship and how you can begin to do this.

There are times in relationships where partners are not happy with each other.  Those are the times when we need to look at what our responsibilities are.  Our main responsibility is to have open, honest, communication.  Communication can not be stressed enough in any type of relationship.

The following are some tips for having good communication:

• Accept each other's differences!
• Trust your partner
• Trust yourself
• Keep a good tone of voice
• Don't hit anything OR anyone
• Admit your mistakes!
• Say how you feel
• Listen to your partner
• Compliment your partner on his/her strengths
• Give support
• Accept constructive criticism
• Stick to the issue- don't throw insults around or bring up the past
• Avoid blaming- focus on resolving the problem
• When appropriate, forgive your partner- don't continue to carry a grudge once you have worked through the problem
• Accept forgiveness

If there is any fear in you're relationship, then for your own sanity you must take time to look at that.  Why are you afraid?  Is it just because you lack assertiveness?  If so, see the page on assertiveness.  Or, is it something more?  Are you afraid of what your partner's reaction will be?
Take a look at the signs on the dating violence tab & see if you partner has any of them!